So Zen It Hurts... Bad

2011-09-10T22:42:00.001-07:00

so grouchy lately
is it the meds or am I
'llergic to bullshit?

2011-06-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

sleep is my hobby
I'm extremely proficient
I might be the best

can I hibernate?
"comatose" sounds like the best
status update evv

2010-12-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

unless you are blind
you're a total douche canoe
to wear shades inside

do you look cool or
interesting or famous or
mysterious? no.

Give 'em an inch ...

2010-11-26T05:40:00.000-08:00

The slippery slope

That inevitably leads

To the turducken

Turkey Day Pondering

2010-11-25T11:51:00.000-08:00

Who was the first one
To think it was cool to shove
Food in a dead bird?

Landscaping

2010-11-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

When did we get grass?
All natural up in here.
Granola Haiku.

On the bight side

2010-11-24T08:38:00.000-08:00

Expensive letters!
On the bright side of M.A.
They ain't no B.S.

MA

2010-11-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

I have now spent what
Amounts to fifty thousand
Bones for two letters.

2010-10-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

Therapisting is
A job in which people who
Need me say "fuck off."

At least I get paid
Oh wait, I'm the one who pays
For this benefit.

2010-09-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

my first impressions
are usually right on base
I need to listen

crazy people are
loco and that is a fact
I should avoid them

2010-09-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

I smell nice today
realized it's my deo'drant
pomegranate pits

2010-09-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

The baby hinders

Getting things done other than

Doing baby things

But if diapers count

You could certainly say that

We gettin' shit done

2010-09-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

we should update more
not like we're busy with stuff
except we might be

2010-08-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

hey, Ms Crazypants,
you're kinda creeping me out
back the fuck off, please

we're not gonna be
pals or amigos or friends
please go get a hobby

(that hobby should not
include cyberstalking me
or emailing me)

2010-08-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

today everything
tastes like stale disappointment
geez, emo much? yeah

2010-07-27T23:57:00.000-07:00

Dearest Ambien,
you give me such yummy sleep
but you make me weird

dreamless sleep comas
seem totally worth it, though
I feel so rested

2010-07-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

bacon for breakfast
with chocolate, in a waffle
perfect morning food

2010-07-08T23:10:00.001-07:00

I don't like Texas
Don't want to move to Texas
would rather eat glass

2010-06-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

Running hurts a lot.
But wait. What's that? Could it be?
My mighty fine ass.

I copied this from
thisaddressavailable
Eat my fine tushy.

2010-06-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

first day of summer
nice drive to Santa Bar'bra
ice cream on the pier

2010-06-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

the buzz of the gun
the smears of ink on soft skin
voila! a new tattoo

2010-05-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

fucking spammers - QUIT!
no one wants to click your links
has that ever worked?

2010-05-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

when we're on, we're on
when we're off we're so far off
can't ever predict

we're friends, we're not friends
sometimes we don't talk at all
but sometimes we're cool

I don't get people
hot or cold make up your mind
are you in or out?

2010-05-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Constant reminders
Why I avoid packs of shes
Dudes are easier.

2010-04-16T20:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Spammer People
Stop commenting in Chinese
No one can read it!

2010-04-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

small green apricots
clinging to the thin branches
please ripen quickly

2010-03-31T12:27:00.001-07:00

oh, honey, just... no
your dude and I are just pals
please pull your head out

stop reading my blog
stop googling my full name
stop being a dork

you won't find "something"
because there's nothing to find
just chill out, sweetheart

he's my BFF
but you've got the diamond ring
why can't WE be friends?

2010-03-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning yum
Cinnamon rolls with frosting
Hot and buttery

2010-02-28T11:01:00.000-08:00

Haikus should be 'bout
Nature; flowers, trees and stuff
But most of ours ain't

2010-02-19T23:59:00.000-08:00

Blackened catfish? Yum.
Take me to your leader man.
And then buy me juice.

Why do I haiku
Things that make no sense? Do tell.
It's not rational.

But I continue
In hopes that then finally
I can not be lame?

Doesn't seem to have
Worked dear friend. Pretty sure I'm
nuts. Yep, I am there.

2010-02-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

No more work this month
Termed it "mental exhaustion"
How do I finish?

If I were only
The master of the 'ku blog.
I would rock this hard.

Instead I've given
You three paragraphs of crap
And claimed it worthwhile.

Apparently I
Need to up my Effexor
Cuz I sound mopey.

2010-02-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

Thirty-sixth birthday
Do I lie 'bout my age now?
And get some botox?

Or should I hire
a tan and shirtless pool boy
who speaks no English?

Or do I hold off
On all that ridic'lous stuff
Until I'm forty?

2010-02-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl, who cares?
Why must the world stop for this?
Should watch paint drying.

2010-02-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

oh Lady Gaga
why do you fascinate me?
you're such a weirdo

2010-02-01T19:32:00.000-08:00

it never rains here
but I still want galoshes
I would rock them hard

I'm thinking pink ones
or maybe polka-dotted
or zebra strip-ed

Un-moo-sual

2010-01-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

Udderly Smooth cream
I want to bathe in you now
My hands are like teets.

2009-12-31T08:54:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve tonight
I want gas station nachos
and vanilla Coke

2009-12-27T16:15:00.000-08:00

I'm out of flour
salt, soy sauce and parmesan
how shall I go on?

without condiments
my meals will be so mundane
must go to the store

2009-12-26T19:47:00.000-08:00

I wear pajamas
always, non-stop, all the time
so please don't drop by

unannounced visits
are a terrible idea
seriously, dude

2009-12-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

Christmas is here, yay!
Got a Magic Bullet, yay!
Need a nap now, yay!

2009-12-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

Seventy degrees?
I thought it was December.
Oh, California.

I do wish for snow
But I only want it for
a couple of days

2009-12-17T20:32:00.000-08:00

Life's not a cartoon
So why, banana peel, why
did I almost slip?

Pratfalls are only
funny in old school sitcoms
please don't trip me, thanks

Mmmm....kay?

2009-12-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

I gots more bam than
A panda gots boo. So you
better step off yo.

2009-12-14T16:41:00.000-08:00

I remembered your
birthday. The least you could do
is acknowledge that.

come on, admit it
the goofy card in Spanish
was pretty funny

Brr indeed

2009-12-09T21:06:00.001-08:00

Unless your commute
involves walking through the chill.
Cold mornings suck ass.

2009-12-08T23:51:00.000-08:00

thirty degrees, brr
winter comes to Cal'fornia
who would have thought, right?

frosty frozen grass
crunches under my cold toes
I love cold mornings

2009-12-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

spider in my car
what the fresh hell is that shit?
bad start to the day

2009-12-01T17:09:00.000-08:00

bacon bacon yum
smoky salty fatty crisp
please don't clog my heart

2009-11-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

I made cheddar cheese
homemade motherfucking cheese
who thanks me? no one

used "motherfucking"
in composing a 'ku
I am so awesome

2009-11-29T19:08:00.000-08:00

oh, Kanye, why so
serious? I love your songs
but chill the fuck out

2009-11-26T11:34:00.000-08:00

18 pound turkey
gonna be cooking all day
size of an ostrich

no one here likes yams
but I kind of want some now
topped with sugar yum

dropped the damn cheesecake
fresh out of the damn oven
fuck this holiday

no emails today
keeping myself entertained
boring boring bleh

Guest Book Haiku Drafts

2009-11-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

(winner)
Inscribe your thoughts please
There aren't many people here
We'll know if you don't

Best wishes and stuff
You've been to wedding before
Haiku or not. Go!

Please leave a message
Well, um, not after the beep
After the cover?

The written message
Will live on in these pages
In a box downstairs

If this were your day
What would you want you to write?
Jeez. Self centered much?

Ceremonial Birdcage Instruction Draft(s)

2009-11-22T19:25:00.000-08:00

Your cards go in here
These birds promise to hold it
Until we get home

Wedding Program Haiku Drafts

2009-11-22T19:11:00.000-08:00

One child, two parents
A long future together
Oh, you meant today?

Talk, love, then tacos
You require more detail?
Please flip this over

If you flip this 'round
Your day will attain structure:
Tacos, no dancing

(winner)
Music, Haikus, Love?
How will you keep track of it?
With this here program.

This will be your map
To a new life beginning
At least for today

2009-11-19T07:41:00.000-08:00

had a 'ku convo
last night, with some writer dude
too much thinkin', y'all

2009-11-18T07:26:00.000-08:00

some dude suggested
his life sucks 'cause I'm in it
thanks a heap, asshat

2009-11-17T23:26:00.000-08:00

This week sucks some ass
And it's only damn Tuesday
I should stay indoors

Enough!

2009-11-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

How about good news?
My past seven days were weak.
Bitter puns, so there!

2009-11-11T06:41:00.000-08:00

popcorn for dinner?
technically a veggie, right?
I'm a bad parent.

2009-11-10T17:43:00.000-08:00

forgotten 'ku blog
sorry 'bout the lack o' posts
i'll try harder soon

Your tracking number is 2

2009-03-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

Bung hole poetry?
Can it, the dark continent
Be a haiku muse?

UPS knows best,
Says "What can brown do for you?"
For you? Poo haiku.

Blawgetry

2009-03-02T17:54:00.000-08:00

Obama poetry
Makes me long for Hillary.
No dumb slogan there.

Wait, there prolly was,
But all her press coverage
Was dwarfed by Barack.

Why can't this blog be
Filled to the brim with gorgeous
Thoughts of bunghole stuff.

5 7 5 Alive?

2009-02-26T20:40:00.000-08:00

Has the haiku died?
Poetry bail-out package:
Oh, yes we haikan.

Decisions Decisions

2008-10-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

How will I dress up?
My work costume last year rocked
Maybe I stay home.

Echo

2008-05-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

Hello? (Hello?) Wha?
(Wha?) Is someone in here? (Is
someone in here?) Weird.

2007-07-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

There are some reasons
Why I don't have many friends
Women are bitchy

Stuff I Just Put On www.DairyLama.com

2007-01-20T19:07:00.000-08:00

silly dairy cow
her lactose intolerance
is not personal

california cows
are far more liberal than
their red state brothers

the milk flows like wine
but white, and opaque, and thick
ok. not like wine

the cow stands in thought
contemplates pasture living:
too many cow pies

saag paneer: good stuff
now i know why the hindus
revere the bovine

2007-01-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

Stupid Blogger Beta
You won't let me switch this blog
Why do you offer?

Holiday Opus

2006-12-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

park at the airport?
super idea until
my rear window smashed

other wayward youth
think whitey with an xbox
is fun to annoy

park at the depot
until a tuesday repair
makes my xbox whole

my plane flew at nine
but because of my window
must wake up at five

five dollar Danish
and not even that tasty
airport robbery

christmas eve plane ride
late arrival, departure
pilot made dumb jokes

portland is quite damp
but tomorrow brings presents
and thanksgiving two

flight home at seven
the a.m. one. so damn early.
check in at, god, five?

Threadless.com rules

2006-12-05T18:20:00.000-08:00

Haikus are easy
But they sometimes don't make sense
Refrigerator

Happy M-Day

2006-11-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

happy thanksgiving
today i plan to eat at
the golden arches

Mike's House, Bathroom Department, Mike Speaking

2006-11-08T20:59:00.000-08:00

ring, ring, flush, hello?
you must hear my new fountain
who'd talk in the loo?

Meanies

2006-11-08T20:58:00.000-08:00

onion personals
you stunted my social life
kick me when i'm down

Now I lay me down to sleep.

2006-10-31T19:13:00.000-08:00

The other night, while
trying to fall in to slum-
ber,. I haiku-ed much.

2006-10-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

I know you are, but
Exactly what am I, sir?
A feeble haiku.

2006-10-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

ipod come hither
i have neglected to write
sufficient haikus

2006-09-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

ipod nano nanoo
palm sized audio egg head
my mork and mix tape

2006-09-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

tiny song-filled box
ipod nano beats zen
filled with nirvana

2006-09-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

iPod nano prize
there is a haiku contest
i must brainstorm hard

Poor Forgotten Blog

2006-09-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

last post a month old
So Zen It Languishes ... Bad
resolve to write more

Haiku Conversation Over Mobile Devices

2006-08-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

Me:
Gigantic mirror
Fit in my car yesterday
Amazing xB

Amos:
A mirror? For what?
So you can better apply
your lipstick and rouge?

Me:
Increased livitchen
Also unfortunately
Reflects my huge gut

Amos:
Ah, my confusion.
Not an enormous mirror
installed in your car.

Me:
80 by 4 2
Put up on my purple wall
I've doubled the room

Amos:
Get some mirrored doors
For your cabinets, and wallah!
An infinite room!

2006-08-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs
Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobs
Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs

Is there an echo in here?

2006-08-14T22:35:00.000-07:00

Is no reason for
Haikus to be unspoken
Poor blog neglected.

2006-07-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

pyramid schemer
i am nonplused by you and
your skimpy mustache

No Wakey

2006-07-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

dreading 5am
i will sit in the shower
slowest wash ever

brrrrrr

2006-06-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

fireworks tuesday
i will watch them someplace cold
a 4th tradition

Last 2 days of work

2006-06-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

Not doing a thing.
Sucking up time, getting paid.
I will leave here soon.

The hangover 'ku

2006-06-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

Ugh, what a headache!
So how many syllables
are in "hangover?"

2006-06-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

My molar is chipped.
Frantic phone call to dentist.
They got me in now!

How unusual.
Normal waiting time for him
Is at least three months.

"My coverage ends,"
Was what I told them, this month.
They are so damn great.

Big Frame Delivery

2006-06-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

50 bed boxes
i could make an awesome fort
but i am not 5

2006-06-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

My front lawn is weeds
Small yellow flowers adorn
The lack of topsoil

2006-06-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

This job - killing me.
Gave notice last week - enough!
Why am I still here?

Too Much To Write

2006-05-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

behind in email
soon i will manage to blog
maybe on wednesday?

2006-05-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

The sum of our parts?
Our bodies are not the end.
Two plus two is five.

Song Post

2006-05-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

people say nice things
i need to record more songs
boost self esteem

I freaking rock.

2006-05-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

Previous letters
Of resignation have been
Dumb, to say the least.

The one I just wrote
Deserves the pulitzer prize,
Even made me cry.

Now all I will need
Is for my interviews to
Be worthy of it.

The Wayward Youth of Ocean View

2006-05-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

wayward milling youth
throw balloons filled with water
while i scoot on by

my forbidden wish
is to perform a u-turn
and run you all down

instead hand raised
middle finger extended
the bird must suffice

2006-05-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

Chaos in the air-
we are naught but timid leaves
clinging to our trees.

Noisy bitch

2006-05-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

Former drill sergeant?
It's entir'ly possible.
Bitch has got some pipes.

Fear and doubt

2006-05-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

She loves me, not him.
Things will work out as they should.
But I'm still worried.